We are going through a divorce. Yes, I know this may come as a surprise to you. As we were in the dark too, before the pain was real and in our home. Before the hurt came out in tears and outward behavior. Divorce is tough. It hurts and it's not something easy to go through or to get over. After a divorce, a separation of what you thought was forever and trusted with all your inmost being that it would be forever, there may always be a bruise on your heart. A bruise that when pressed, still hurts. Even years later, there is a spot.
No one says to someone going through a divorce, "oh you'll get over it." And if they do, they clearly have no understanding of relationships.
So why does it seem a very popular response to us about our young adopted son, "he'll get over it." Or "He's young. He'll adjust so easy." Ummm, no. You clearly don't understand relationships.
It's time we set things straight.
We are going through a "divorce." Our family, like any adoptive family, is a healing family. To an adopted child, the loss of a relationship can be compared to adults going through a divorce. Our son is settling in to a new relationship, our family, after 3 divorces. Yes, three. The once trusted relationships that he thought with all his heart must be forever, have be torn from him 3 times. Attachments gone. Attachments = Trust.
The first relationship lasted over a year (including in womb). Growing, listening, tasting, hearing soothing voices of his birth family, particularly his birth mother . With no reason to think otherwise, there was abrupt end. No warning, just one day, it ended. Relationship #2, his first orphanage: Taken in by the director and cared for by the nannies, he made relationships, trusted, was comfortable again, and lived there for over 6 months. No warning, just one day, it ended. Relationship #3, his second orphanage: Living there for a year, he was loved by his nannies. He had friends, and made relationships. One day, it ended. He'd leave there, leaving his language, noises, tastes, and even leave his country - all things familiar to him.
Why would he trust again? After 3 divorces would you trust another with your heart? Would you think it would last? Our son is a very sweet boy. He has been genuinely cared for through all these relationships and to an extent, even having past good relationships and knowing how to have them, prepared him to bond with new faces and make new relationships. This is very true. And these past healthy attachments have made him into the sweet boy he is today. But, there is that spot. A bruise on his heart that still hurts and will for a very long time. He is healing. He is wanting to trust again and hope that this is forever. It is. He just has to learn what forever means. What love means.
"One issue that all adoptees face, regardless of their origin, is that of profound loss. Whether the adoption occurred because of a well-though-out plan made by birth parents, a governmental policy, poverty, death, neglect, or abuse, the child has lost an integral part of himself- the parents who fave him life. The loss of birth parents is the universal loss that all adoptees face." - Parenting the Hurt Child, Keck and Kupecky
"When you tell someone that has been through a trauma that they need to get over it you are essentially telling them to go home and unlearn how to ride a bike!" - crisis training session
Trauma. Crisis. Abandonment. Abuse. Death. Loss. Separation. HURT. You can't forget.
No matter what age, hurt is hurt. An adopted child, younger or older, have both suffered, felt, seen, and experienced an incredible amount of trauma. T.R.A.U.M.A people. This hurt is real and it's not something that they will 'get over' or 'adjust to' with ease if ever fully at all. Whether a child is adopted as a teen or as an infant, that doesn't change the circumstances that lead to them being an adoptee. Loss. The age of being adopted isn't going to insure quicker healing or 'getting over it' any faster. If you were divorced at age 18 or at age 55, is the hurt going to be different?
"You don't get over it. You go through it." - adoptee
"Healing doesn't mean that the damage never existed. It just means the damage no longer controls our lives." Toby Mac
One of our prayers for this blog site and in sharing our adoption story is to share with others about adoption, children in need, and the love of Christ. Understanding relationships and understanding loss is a part of this.
Jesus offers healing beyond what a family can give. No amount of new toys, a better education, a nicer home, healthier foods, and even well intended family will heal a bruise on a hurt child's heart. Through God's grace, He will heal. God is the ultimate healer. He will help us and equip us to bring the kind of love to Tarik that he specifically needs to heal and grow stronger.
God our Father, is a trusted God who will never leave us nor forsake us. He is always with us. He is there to comfort us. This example, this strong and steady love is what we strive to show to our children. The example that our father set for us. May He continue to give us strength as we raise our family!
6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lordyour God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
No one says to someone going through a divorce, "oh you'll get over it." And if they do, they clearly have no understanding of relationships.
So why does it seem a very popular response to us about our young adopted son, "he'll get over it." Or "He's young. He'll adjust so easy." Ummm, no. You clearly don't understand relationships.
It's time we set things straight.
We are going through a "divorce." Our family, like any adoptive family, is a healing family. To an adopted child, the loss of a relationship can be compared to adults going through a divorce. Our son is settling in to a new relationship, our family, after 3 divorces. Yes, three. The once trusted relationships that he thought with all his heart must be forever, have be torn from him 3 times. Attachments gone. Attachments = Trust.
The first relationship lasted over a year (including in womb). Growing, listening, tasting, hearing soothing voices of his birth family, particularly his birth mother . With no reason to think otherwise, there was abrupt end. No warning, just one day, it ended. Relationship #2, his first orphanage: Taken in by the director and cared for by the nannies, he made relationships, trusted, was comfortable again, and lived there for over 6 months. No warning, just one day, it ended. Relationship #3, his second orphanage: Living there for a year, he was loved by his nannies. He had friends, and made relationships. One day, it ended. He'd leave there, leaving his language, noises, tastes, and even leave his country - all things familiar to him.
Why would he trust again? After 3 divorces would you trust another with your heart? Would you think it would last? Our son is a very sweet boy. He has been genuinely cared for through all these relationships and to an extent, even having past good relationships and knowing how to have them, prepared him to bond with new faces and make new relationships. This is very true. And these past healthy attachments have made him into the sweet boy he is today. But, there is that spot. A bruise on his heart that still hurts and will for a very long time. He is healing. He is wanting to trust again and hope that this is forever. It is. He just has to learn what forever means. What love means.
"One issue that all adoptees face, regardless of their origin, is that of profound loss. Whether the adoption occurred because of a well-though-out plan made by birth parents, a governmental policy, poverty, death, neglect, or abuse, the child has lost an integral part of himself- the parents who fave him life. The loss of birth parents is the universal loss that all adoptees face." - Parenting the Hurt Child, Keck and Kupecky
"When you tell someone that has been through a trauma that they need to get over it you are essentially telling them to go home and unlearn how to ride a bike!" - crisis training session
Trauma. Crisis. Abandonment. Abuse. Death. Loss. Separation. HURT. You can't forget.
No matter what age, hurt is hurt. An adopted child, younger or older, have both suffered, felt, seen, and experienced an incredible amount of trauma. T.R.A.U.M.A people. This hurt is real and it's not something that they will 'get over' or 'adjust to' with ease if ever fully at all. Whether a child is adopted as a teen or as an infant, that doesn't change the circumstances that lead to them being an adoptee. Loss. The age of being adopted isn't going to insure quicker healing or 'getting over it' any faster. If you were divorced at age 18 or at age 55, is the hurt going to be different?
"You don't get over it. You go through it." - adoptee
"Healing doesn't mean that the damage never existed. It just means the damage no longer controls our lives." Toby Mac
One of our prayers for this blog site and in sharing our adoption story is to share with others about adoption, children in need, and the love of Christ. Understanding relationships and understanding loss is a part of this.
Jesus offers healing beyond what a family can give. No amount of new toys, a better education, a nicer home, healthier foods, and even well intended family will heal a bruise on a hurt child's heart. Through God's grace, He will heal. God is the ultimate healer. He will help us and equip us to bring the kind of love to Tarik that he specifically needs to heal and grow stronger.
God our Father, is a trusted God who will never leave us nor forsake us. He is always with us. He is there to comfort us. This example, this strong and steady love is what we strive to show to our children. The example that our father set for us. May He continue to give us strength as we raise our family!
6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lordyour God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
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